i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
