Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
