Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
