If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
