Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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