Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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