some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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