lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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