I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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