It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
