I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
