God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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