someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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