Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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