and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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