I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
