I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
