btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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