I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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