apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
