Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
