It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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