I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
