I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Houston, we have a blender
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
