I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
