I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
