guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She's the barista slut.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
