cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
