you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
