I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Someone came in the potted fern
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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