I haven't been this sober since birth.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
