I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
