Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You've changed since you got that strap on
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
