i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
