I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's rum buckets o'clock
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
