i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
