How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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