It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
