Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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