i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
