If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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