The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
