I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
