i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She needs sedatives and a leash
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Randomize
