Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
