I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
