Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
