don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
