That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
