so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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