so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
