the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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