I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
