What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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